"Jealousy is a tool some ignorant people try to use to pry open a long range relationship. Jealousy is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways between ignorance and stupidity." - Richard Pawlowski - New Power of Women
(A chapter from the ebook Bogus Beauty & The New Power of American Women)
Do you know the difference between someone who is broke and someone who is poor? And, do you know the difference between someone who is ignorant and someone who is stupid? Well the distinctions are important and you should understand that if someone is “broke” that can merely be a temporary circumstance which can change in an instant. Being poor, on the other hand, typically means being substandard and of low quality. A “broke” person isn’t necessarily a “poor” person, and a poor person can have plenty of money but not have the ability or brains to do anything worthwhile with it. Poor is substandard and broke (in this sense) isn’t necessarily a lifetime circumstance.
The difference between ignorant and stupid is similar because, while a person may not know something - yet - she/he can still learn and grow when they do learn from their ignorance. Ignorance is not the same as stupidness. Smoking for example, is stupid (very stupid) especially if you know it is killing you and you keep smoking. If you are in a relationship and the other person is having sex without your knowledge, you are ignorant. However, if you find out and allow it to continue and to happen again, you are pretty stupid. Of course if you know it and don’t give a damn, and if that’s OK too - you aren’t ignorant nor stupid.
So what does this exercise in semantics have to do with the new power of American women and specifically, the power of jealousy? Well my friend, jealousy is a form of stupidness because it can blind people into believing something that is not real. Jealousy is the rampant green-eyed dragon that magnifies doubts and destroys relationships all over the world and very often, when a person is ignorant of someone else's motivations or preferences, ignorances can turn into a chronic and stupid state of jealousness which can lead to crazy-making and violence.
Paraphrasing Parul Sengal, a researcher and TED seminar leader:
“Jealousy is the number one cause of spousal murder. In reality, jealousy is a quest for the truth.”
Jealousy is also a tool some ignorant people try to use to pry open a long range relationship. Jealousy is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways between ignorance and stupidity.
Here’s some examples of being ignorant and stupid about jealousy. These are true stories from some guys I’ve interviewed but whose names are changed.
Larry is a Harvard MBA in his late 40’s. He’s been married twice, had 3 children and gives financial seminars around the country. Larry meets Mary, a divorced Realtor in her early 30’s with two grade school children. They wine and dine continuously while Larry gets to show off how great he is when he is glowing in front of his audience. Mary follows Larry around the speaking circuit for a few months and after Larry buckles to her beauty, he suggests they get married and honeymoon in Hawaii. She says she wants to wait to have sex because she “wants to make it special.” On the plane to Hawaii from LA, and right after the wedding, Mary tells Larry that she really doesn't love him and that she has been seeing her ex-husband and is still “emotionally connected” to him. Larry of course, is dumb-struck and speechless. When the veins in his neck get almost back to normal, Larry blurts out; “Why in the hell didn’t you tell me this before we were married?” Mary smiles and says; “I didn’t want to spoil our marriage.”
Needless to say, Larry had less than a good time in Hawaii. Larry confided in me that he wanted to “choke the shit out of her” but he didn’t, because he wasn’t about to let his ignorance of her true self turn into bellicose stupidity.
Here’s another story of jealousy:
Jack and Tami met at the office where they both worked and were on and off again lovers over several years. Tami was always trying to get Jack to commit to marriage but since Jack was several years older (about 40) and been divorced with two kids, he was pretty gun-shy about jumping in again. Jack wanted to take his time and see other people. Jack thought Tami should do the same because she hadn’t been married yet. “No hurry for me” Jack openly confides to Tami.
Over many in-between and different relationships, both Jack and Tami kept in touch and often had sex. Sex was easy for each of them, with the understanding they would see others. Tami however, would often slyly tell Jack about her several different men-friends, where they went, how much fun they had and how nice they were to her. Jack however, was reserved about talking about his various lady-friends. Jack played it more discreetly but Tami would always tell Jack that she wanted him on a permanent basis and the other men were just “friends.” Jack felt he understood this. He too had many women “friends.”
Sometimes however, Tami would try to make Jack jealous by bringing some of her friends around to meet Jack, while he was working. Jack felt he knew Tami in different way than the other guys did and understood that Tami was a sexual animal. It was one of the double reasons why Jack liked her in the first place, but Jack was forever doubtful of Tami, because deep inside himself, he didn’t feel that she would ever be truly loyal to him, especially if they got married. And to Jack, Tami never appeared to be the good mother type and never overtly demonstrated an understanding of Jack’s need for loyalty.
Well, one night after Jack and Tami were finished rolling around in the sheets, the subject of commitment came up again. Tami launched into her regular routine about getting beyond just sex. She started to remind Jack how good looking the other guys are that she was also dating. She did it just to see if she could make Jack jealous and perhaps trick him into a commitment. Jack, not being totally stupid, asked her why she didn’t marry the cutest guy she says was at the top of her list of nice friends, and who, according to Tami, was also wanting to marry her. Tami, in all of her blissful stupidness and with a smile, softly tells Jack that the reason why she didn’t want to marry the other special fellow, was because “His dick was too big.” Jack blurts out in total confusion; “You mean to tell me, that you prefer to me to him because you had trouble getting it in?” And, as Tami nods yes and sits there with a stupid smile on her face, Jack starts thinking to himself, “How can I get this stupid creature out of my face, without physically throwing her out the window?”
Yes, our friend Jack was on the verge of doing something very stupid but he let his inner voice of rationality come through and calm him, while he politely asked Tami to leave.
Well, I do not know about you, my special reader, but I for one, seriously doubt our fellow human because of the inter-linked concepts of jealously and stupidity.
* A side note. If you have any “unusual” man-tales like this and you want to share them, jot it down and email it to me. It might be great example and content for our website or my next book. I’ll keep your name confidential if you wish.