Her Power of Jealousy - Part 2

"Jealousy is a tool some ignorant people try to use to pry open a long range relationship. Jealousy is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways between ignorance and stupidity." - Richard Pawlowski - New Power of Women

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(A chapter from the ebook Bogus Beauty & The New Power of American Women)

Do you know the difference between someone who is broke and someone who is poor? And, do you know the difference between someone who is ignorant and someone who is stupid? Well the distinctions are important and you should understand that if someone is “broke” that can merely be a temporary circumstance which can change in an instant. Being poor, on the other hand, typically means being substandard and of low quality. A “broke” person isn’t necessarily a “poor” person, and a poor person can have plenty of money but not have the ability or brains to do anything worthwhile with it. Poor is substandard and broke (in this sense) isn’t necessarily a lifetime circumstance.

The difference between ignorant and stupid is similar because, while a person may not know something - yet - she/he can still learn and grow when they do learn from their ignorance. Ignorance is not the same as stupidness. Smoking for example, is stupid (very stupid) especially if you know it is killing you and you keep smoking. If you are in a relationship and the other person is having sex without your knowledge, you are ignorant. However, if you find out and allow it to continue and to happen again, you are pretty stupid. Of course if you know it and don’t give a damn, and if that’s OK too - you aren’t ignorant nor stupid.

So what does this exercise in semantics have to do with the new power of American women and specifically, the power of jealousy? Well my friend, jealousy is a form of stupidness because it can blind people into believing something that is not real. Jealousy is the rampant green-eyed dragon that magnifies doubts and destroys relationships all over the world and very often, when a person is ignorant of someone else's motivations or preferences, ignorances can turn into a chronic and stupid state of jealousness which can lead to crazy-making and violence.

Paraphrasing Parul Sengal, a researcher and TED seminar leader: 

“Jealousy is the number one cause of spousal murder. In reality, jealousy is a quest for the truth.” 

Jealousy is also a tool some ignorant people try to use to pry open a long range relationship. Jealousy is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways between ignorance and stupidity.

Here’s some examples of being ignorant and stupid about jealousy. These are true stories from some guys I’ve interviewed but whose names are changed. 

Larry is a Harvard MBA in his late 40’s. He’s been married twice, had 3 children and gives financial seminars around the country. Larry meets Mary, a divorced Realtor in her early 30’s with two grade school children. They wine and dine continuously while Larry gets to show off how great he is when he is glowing in front of his audience. Mary follows Larry around the speaking circuit for a few months and after Larry buckles to her beauty, he suggests they get married and honeymoon in Hawaii. She says she wants to wait to have sex because she “wants to make it special.” On the plane to Hawaii from LA, and right after the wedding, Mary tells Larry that she really doesn't love him and that she has been seeing her ex-husband and is still “emotionally connected” to him. Larry of course, is dumb-struck and speechless. When the veins in his neck get almost back to normal, Larry blurts out; “Why in the hell didn’t you tell me this before we were married?” Mary smiles and says; “I didn’t want to spoil our marriage.”

Needless to say, Larry had less than a good time in Hawaii. Larry confided in me that he wanted to “choke the shit out of her” but he didn’t, because he wasn’t about to let his ignorance of her true self turn into bellicose stupidity.

Here’s another story of jealousy:

Jack and Tami met at the office where they both worked and were on and off again lovers over several years. Tami was always trying to get Jack to commit to marriage but since Jack was several years older (about 40) and been divorced with two kids, he was pretty gun-shy about jumping in again. Jack wanted to take his time and see other people. Jack thought Tami should do the same because she hadn’t been married yet. “No hurry for me” Jack openly confides to Tami.

Over many in-between and different relationships, both Jack and Tami kept in touch and often had sex. Sex was easy for each of them, with the understanding they would see others. Tami however, would often slyly tell Jack about her several different men-friends, where they went, how much fun they had and how nice they were to her. Jack however, was reserved about talking about his various lady-friends. Jack played it more discreetly but Tami would always tell Jack that she wanted him on a permanent basis and the other men were just “friends.” Jack felt he understood this. He too had many women “friends.”

Sometimes however, Tami would try to make Jack jealous by bringing some of her friends around to meet Jack, while he was working. Jack felt he knew Tami in different way than the other guys did and understood that Tami was a sexual animal. It was one of the double reasons why Jack liked her in the first place, but Jack was forever doubtful of Tami, because deep inside himself, he didn’t feel that she would ever be truly loyal to him, especially if they got married. And to Jack, Tami never appeared to be the good mother type and never overtly demonstrated an understanding of Jack’s need for loyalty.

Well, one night after Jack and Tami were finished rolling around in the sheets, the subject of commitment came up again. Tami launched into her regular routine about getting beyond just sex. She started to remind Jack how good looking the other guys are that she was also dating. She did it just to see if she could make Jack jealous and perhaps trick him into a commitment. Jack, not being totally stupid, asked her why she didn’t marry the cutest guy she says was at the top of her list of nice friends, and who, according to Tami, was also wanting to marry her. Tami, in all of her blissful stupidness and with a smile, softly tells Jack that the reason why she didn’t want to marry the other special fellow, was because “His dick was too big.” Jack blurts out in total confusion; “You mean to tell me, that you prefer to me to him because you had trouble getting it in?” And, as Tami nods yes and sits there with a stupid smile on her face, Jack starts thinking to himself, “How can I get this stupid creature out of my face, without physically throwing her out the window?”

Yes, our friend Jack was on the verge of doing something very stupid but he let his inner voice of rationality come through and calm him, while he politely asked Tami to leave.

Well, I do not know about you, my special reader, but I for one, seriously doubt our fellow human because of the inter-linked concepts of jealously and stupidity.

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* A side note. If you have any “unusual” man-tales like this and you want to share them, jot it down and email it to me. It might be great example and content for our website or my next book. I’ll keep your name confidential if you wish.

The Male’s New Normal Jealousy of Women - Part One

“On average, men are more competitive than women, so it’s definitely possible that men would respond in a self-negative way to anybody’s success.” – Kate A. Ratliff, University of Florida. 

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(A chapter from the book New Power of American Women - The Essential Survival Guide)

The Great Recession of 2008 has highlighted some serious, long range problems for most American men. That recession also highlighted the increasing new power of American women in the “new normal” economy. 

In Rosin’s well publicized The End of Men and The Rise of Women book, she does a pretty good job of interviewing several people who were caught in the new economic reality and how men are losing the battle and women are the new breadwinners doing most of the work. She gave a few facts and examples of how the guys in the family were stuck by refusing to change their jobs and mentality. She began her book with examples of how girls in college were now more sexually aggressive while being kinda slutty. She says they were enjoying it and also graduating, seeking to take over in some industries. The pharmacy industry in particular. She also showed how women were marginalized in the past (like victims of course) but were now on the rise. She got into some core economic issues and several chapters really took me by surprise. In them, she caught the essence of the dangers women can do to men while they are “rising.” Besides the new sexual attitudes about being endorsed by feminists, her chapters about the new wave of female violence and how Asian women will take over the world, were what I thought most American men needed to pay close attention to. 

If you haven’t yet read the End of Men, I’d like to suggest you do. If you do read it, pay special attention to the chapters “A More Perfect Poison - The New Wave of Female Violence,” “Hearts of Steel - Single Girls Master the Hook-up” and “The New American Matriarchy - The Middle Class Gets a Sex Change.” Good eye openers for slackers and/or traditional thinking guys.

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“Trifles light as air, are to the jealous, confirmations strong as proofs of holy writ.”  – William Shakespeare

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An interesting study titled; “Gender Differences in Implicit Self-Esteem Following a Romantic Partner’s Success or Failure,” was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, by Kate A. Ratliff, from the University of Florida and Shigehiro Oishi, from the University of Virginia (2013). This clinical study got together several groups of young, college age adults to find out how a woman’s success is taken by a male, if the female is more successful than he. 

The summary of the study was this:

“In sum, men’s implicit self-esteem is lower when a partner succeeds than when a partner fails, whereas women’s implicit self-esteem is not. These gender differences have important implications for understanding social comparison in romantic relationships.”

What I found most interesting is in what these researchers left out. First of which, they didn’t specify if the participants in the study were married and why they were just considered “romantic partners.” The age of the participants - with which one might want to question the “maturity” level of the different groups - was also not available. 

However, they also wrote: 

“Even partners in committed relationships experience negative feelings when their partner outperforms them in a domain important to their self-concept.” 

One might want to assume they meant marriage but since this was a college-age group of people, I’m guessing it was actually people living together. 

Now keep in mind, this is a college research paper and there were’t a lot of divorcees or “previously initiated” in this group. Mature, senior opinions were absent. They go on with: 

“In addition to gender differences in including one’s partner in the self, we believe that the success of the partner might harm men’s self-esteem more than women’s in part because men tend to value agentic traits (e.g., competence) more than women do (Guimond, Chatard, Martinot, Crisp, & Redersdorff, 2006; Helgeson, 1994). Researchers have found also that men tend to exaggerate their agentic traits, whereas women tend to exaggerate communal traits (Paulhus & John, 1998). To the extent that competence is a more central to men’s self-perceptions than to women’s, men’s self-esteem is more likely to be negatively affected when their competence is in question.

Relatedly, men tend to be more competitive than women (Buss, 2004; Maccoby, 1998). Maccoby (2002) argues that, from a very young age, boys’ playtime interaction tends to be marked by dominance-striving. Competition within social groups is a way for boys to “prove their worth.” Young girls also pursue individual goals within social groups, but tend to do so while simultaneously striving to maintain group harmony. Liening, Mehta, and Josephs (in press) argue that men’s greater competitiveness arises from a combination of patriarchal social structures, evolution benefitting aggressive men, and differences in the underlying biological mechanisms that drive men’s and women’s behavior.

Further, gender is strongly associated with widely shared stereotypes. Men are typically associated with success and competence; women are largely assumed to be less competent and less achievement-oriented; even when women are successful, their abilities are often downplayed by others (Eagly & Karau, 2002). Gender stereotypes would therefore suggest that it is more acceptable for a woman to have a successful male partner than it is for a man to have a successful female partner. Having internalized such stereotypes, men’s self-esteem might be particularly threatened by a female partner’s success.”

Got that? I couldn’t have said it better myself. However, note how both genders exaggerate their so-called normal traits, which could also mean lying about it. Also note that none of these research studies mentioned how bogus beauty might be or is being used competitively or perhaps intrinsic to this basic psychological or equality problem. 

In other words, they didn’t include how and why increasing feminist competition, with bogus beauty, may cause much greater economic upheaval, violence and mental problems further down the road.

Special note** If you want to dig into this study deeper google it. There is also another element of personalized jealousy that is coming up in the Power of Jealousy chapter. Therein are  some personal interviews about how the jealousy monster is actually being used one on one.

Also keep in mind, there are many other feminist writers such as Hanna Rosin and her “End of Men” book, which are prompting some men (me for one) to fire back and try to help men. I guess, deep down, I’m jealous of that particular book’s spin and it’s success. :-)

NOTE* - Part 2 of this chapter on Her Power of Jealousy coming next week. This is the funny stuff with  some of my interviews and real examples of jealous fools.

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The Alternate Female Identity, Part 3 - Perversion

“Hard-headed woman, soft-hearted man, been the cause of trouble since the world began. 

Oh yeah! Ever since the world began.” – Elvis Presley

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My wife and I went to see “Gone Girl” last Sunday. It was an interesting movie about the growing powers in American women and the increasing weakness of American men. Especially interesting to me because I noted how the media immediately jumps to conclusions if anything bad happens to a woman and that men are automatically assumed to be the cause of her problems. 

Another interesting aspect of this movie was, without giving away too much of the plot, the missing wife used her mass-victim mindset to justify her own death-wish and her wrath for his infidelity. She also used her ample feminine prerogatives to set in motion his crucifixion in the media. In her plan, she dyed her hair and quit using makeup to go unnoticed while hiding from the media. In different words, she dropped her established bogus beauty identity, or alternate ID and became real looking, in order to escape unwanted attention. It’s a great subjective power to have and American women can do this anytime they want in real life. It’s auto-accepted too for her but in fact, is a constant and effective tool for male manipulation. Her ability to confuse or beguile him, is a source of satisfaction for her.

Rampant Perversion Created by Her Alternate Identity

In my book Bogus Beauty & The New Power of American Women, I also show how the false faces women continually push into our lives, also negatively change the behaviors of American men and boys around them. This constant assault of feminine fakery has also created open and rampant perversion. The growing legions of “quasi men” or “drag queens” - men who act like women to other men - is, in my opinion, a direct result of this mind-warping, bogus beauty power of women in the media. Think I'm wrong? Consider this.

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Also, and just FYI, I received the very first review of Bogus Beauty last week on Amazon. I'm struggling to get people to read something that is very taboo to women but luckily, I got the first one and it confirmed why I wrote it. I also hope you'll check it out and join me in this fight against make up use.

 http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MC8GQOC 

Here’s what Roman A. had to say about Bogus Beauty:

Brilliant and Brave

“My wife read this book, here are her thoughts: 

"I loved it! He really hit the nails on their heads. I have watched women my entire life, often wondering why they do what they do, to each other and themselves. Richard breaks down the different psychosis into organized archetypes. His insights are thought provoking and he tempers the volatile subject matter with his brand of humor, which I appreciated also. Sadly I am sure many thin skinned PC femmes will be upset by the reading of this, but if you truly wish to be a better woman you will not prolong facing these dark parts of our gender any more than you must and stop the madness! It should be required reading in Women's Studies courses :) seriously. 

You are a brave man for writing this book and I think your insights are a valuable resource Richard, Bravo!"

The Alternate Female Identity Part 2

Why Women Hide

"I quickly discovered it took far more internal security to 

speak on behalf of men than to speak on behalf of women." 

– Warren Farrell, PhD. - The Myth of Male Power

At one of the live relationships seminars I attended, a middle-aged man stood up and posed a question to the psychologist Dr. Harold Bloomfield, author of “Inner Joy.” He asked Dr. Bloomfield:

“Why do women hide? I can’t figure any of them out any more. I have reached the point in my life where I cannot tell what it is, or who it is I am talking to when I speak to a woman. She has on this strange mask that she thinks is pretty. It looks stupid and she hides behind it. How the hell am I supposed to honestly respond to them? There are so many and they all do it.”

Dr. Bloomfield answered with one of the most profound statements I have ever heard. He said:

“View them as insecure creatures but love them anyway. They are not going to change and you only hurt yourself with any kind of negativity towards them.”

Smart response and very good advice in my opinion.

Acquiring Sensory Acuity About Women

Neurolinguistic programing (NLP) is the branch of linguistics dealing with the relationship between language and the structure and functioning of the brain. In a neurolinguistics seminar in Beverly Hills, California, where out of the 350 people attending, 300 were women, the guest speaker was the  noted female psychologist and NLP expert, Genie Laborde, the author of “Influencing With Integrity.” She spoke in great detail how we, as humans perceive even slight changes in facial cues, skin color, voices, and eye movements, with which - if we are very observant - we will know how the other person is immediately responding to our one-on-one communication. Laborde called this learning of how to pay exact attention to these details, as acquiring “sensory acuity.”

A well-dressed, grey haired man about 60, stood up and asked Laborde:

“If we are supposed to be able to communicate better with each other with neuro- linguistic programming and be able to read the inner responses of other humans with our increased ‘sensory acuity’ - just how can this be accomplished when women have covered their facial skin with cosmetics? And, just why DO women cover-up their true selves?”

As if all the air was just sucked out of it, the room went totally silent. Her candid response chilled the audience into recognizing just little we know about each other. She said:

“I don’t have an answer to that first question but women hide their faces, in the beginning stages of a relationship, because they simply do not trust men.”

Well, I was one of the few men in the group and noticed that Genie Laborde was the only woman in the audience without makeup. She was very plain looking and I thought her explanation of the question was a bit of a cover-up too, because to me, that means that a women is always trying to blame men for feminine actions. Laborde’s side-step did not fully answer the question about how overcome this cosmetic-communication blockade. Moreover, as a professional psychologist she continued to defer her own reality and responsibilities to better communication. She wouldn’t even try. It appeared to be too sensitive an issue because the majority of the women in the Beverly Hills audience looked just like a Barbie doll’s older sister. It wasn’t a cheap seminar either.

Bottom line: Using cosmetics simply works! And, that is the primary reason women use it. It allows women to escape reality, to compete with other women and it is the best and cheapest tool in our society for male-manipulation and female self-esteem.

In different words, women consciously and sub-consciously know this make-up power very well and they’ll be dammed to give it up for the sake of being “real” or honest. They simply cannot afford to let go of their grip on this form of visual-emotional power over men, because it has become an identity addiction linked to their main path to security and wealth. Hopefully, we can change this (are you listening Sheryl Sandberg?).

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“Maturity is reached the day we don't need to be lied to about anything.” – Frank Yerby

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The Omnipresent Feminine Addiction

This feminine predilection for fake beauty has become a financial-visual necessity the to self- esteem processes of billions of women and therefore has become an industry with major economic clout and knows exactly how to perpetuate the addiction. Even fake finger nails have become a multi-billion dollar industry with new licensing laws, trade shows and environmental regulations. Similar to what the tobacco industry did with advertising, the cosmetics industry hooks their future customers with fantasy and bogus images of beauty as the way to happiness and the good life. The manufactures know she must have it - to make herself feel good about herself or she cannot handle the world as it really is. Because society and American economics helps maintain her addiction - her bogus beauty kit is sometimes her only friend and mental crutch. When that doesn’t work, she might go nuts (I had two sisters and a crazy aunt Helen from whom I draw that conclusion). 

This was part of a chapter from in my books The New Power of American Women and also Bogus Beauty & The New Power of American Women. More on this coming soon

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The Alternate Female Identity - Part One

“Plain women know more about men than beautiful one’s do.” 

– Katharine Hepburn

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In her book: “The Secret Between Us - Competition Among Women” - Laura Tracy, wrote about the way both genders view and sanction the notion of bogus beauty. She wrote:

“Femininity and competition between women are tightly interwoven. It is the feminine woman who really doesn’t like other women. She can’t afford to. To this woman, all women are rivals, since she has been defined by men in her person and appearance. Women compete with each other when they put on makeup, when they wear high heels, and short, narrow skirts that constrict their movement, when they dye their hair, and when they starve themselves. Femininity means looking better than other women - femininity means competition between women to look better to men. The problem is we all do it.”

On computer, movie and TV screens and millions of American magazine covers, women are producing billions of dollars for themselves as well as many others with a dual or alternate identity. It is an automatically assumed alternate identity as well. This dual identity is much like that of a performing actress or masked robber. They can put it on and take it off at will. Most women do it everyday.

Indeed, some American women are constant, ubiquitous actors who automatically and sincerely believe their alternate identity is actually real. They know it isn’t but they have been using their fake ID for so long and there are so many of them that do it everywhere, they have actually trained themselves and everyone else as well, to actually believe that this dual identity is who they really are. But again, everyone know it isn’t. This insecurity has been programmed in from day one by older women, although when asked, they typically blame it on men, saying they do it “because that is what men want.”

I queried a female psychologist about this touchy subject and she responded saying it was actually a medical/psychological term called “distancing,” meaning denial or running away from the truth. She said:

“Most women do not want to acknowledge that they have been programmed to need faux looks in order to survive in our society. They like to think makeup isn’t necessary - but for them alone. Most think other women may need it but not really her. The denial also comes in the use of words she is attracted to when she buys cosmetic or other retail products. She’s attracted to marketing words such as ‘natural.’ In many ways, she can’t help herself - much of it is subconscious.”

Literally, bogus beauty is a continuous cover-up of a deeply rooted distrust or denial of a woman's own looks and abilities. We all know this and all of society is at fault. Cathy Newman, wrote an article for the national Geographic Magazine titled: The Enigma of Beauty. She wrote:

“Beauty discriminates. Studies suggest attractive people make more money, get called on more often in class, receive lighter court sentences, and are perceived as friendlier. We do judge a book by its cover. We soothe ourselves with clichés. It's only skin-deep, we cluck. It's only in the eye of the beholder.”

Cathy Newman didn’t really address the totality of effects of dual ID in her National Geographic article but it was extensive enough to show how our society is complicit in this problem. She also failed to address the need to get away from it’s over-use and why women should stop being so shallow for her own health reasons. Instead, Newman gives an example of how her 100 year-old mother still wants to go to the beauty shop to get her nails done in the latest fashion.

Another distinct part of this power of the dual identity is in the automatic assumption of another name, that is, if she chooses to get married and use her husband’s last name. Often, the financial power associated with the male name is what attracts her in the first place. If you consider the inherited wealth factor of American women, and for example, think of money and power Sam Walton left his wife and his children, then you can better understand this power of dual identity is for American women. Four of the five wealthiest women in America, the Walton ladies, didn’t earn a penny of it. They married it. Same with dozens of other wealthy American women. I know this isn’t anything new.

However, it’s important to understand that this auto-assumption of identity and dual-name ability is becoming less common because America’s “indie women” are choosing to not drop her maiden name and instead put in a hyphen between her former name and new last-name of her next husband. She’s also being coached to think along the lines of temporary husbands and prenuptial agreements (also see the chapters Power of the Mass Victim Mindset, The Housewife Hangover and The New Alpha Bitch). She has the choice to keep part of her past identity, perhaps for future legal reasons. If you consider the 50 million indie-women in America and the growing divorce rate, you’ll also note the clear trend of power of the alternate identity, with or without a man.

And by-the-way, I’ve never heard of a man ever taking his wife’s last name. He’s stuck with who he is unless he adopts a pseudonym.